Being pre-op and trying to maintain relationships with people is ridiculous, soul-crushing garbage. My happiest relationship are ones where sex is not expected, truly not expected, where the dynamics of the partnership are not affected due to the change in behavior. In the last year that has been a grand total of 2 people, one which I value dearly even if it’s a long-distance deep friendship sort of vibe, and one that unfortunately ended for unspoken reasons. Traditional cis minded sex acts, whether they’re hetero or queer in nature, AKA using what I was born with like I always have is borderline traumatic to me and yet it is the only feasible method of stimulation. I’ve had multiple times this month where I felt like puking from the thought of doing said things, but both the aforementioned reason and it still being something that people value from me, persuades me to do it. appease people and their perceived value in me by disassociating. let your primality steer the ship. I’m never going to feel natural about this without surgery.
Sort of similar to race fetishization rather than typical woman-hunting behavior, a lot of people value me as an exotic woman, but one that has the best of both worlds, the pinnacle of the sweet quiet weak effeminate man, one that looks pretty. This is never going to change without surgery. There are some who I can trust with having sex, I am still human, but the lingering fear is always there as someone’s intentions could change. Opening myself up to this level is difficult and is biomechanically blocked by panic attacks that make my chest feel like it's going to cave in, and make my hands and feet clench and radiate numbness. I must know, at least enough to convince myself, that they are trustworthy or else it will not happen. This of course means that I can never, ever, ever have casual sex, literally just can’t do it or enjoy it, and I’m left with people that like me in the ways that I really value, like anything about myself or yourself that isn’t our flesh. I disappoint and am disappointed by the majority. The dating pool is a dating puddle. I’ve joked about becoming asexual until I have surgery but I don’t think it should be a joke anymore. Aside from the obvious it's the easiest way to filter out people who value me primarily for the wrong reasons, until I can bear that reality again.